How to Not Die While Visiting Vegas in Summer Heat

Posted on: May 31, 2024, 03:03h. 

Last updated on: May 31, 2024, 07:24h.

So you ignored logic and scheduled your next Las Vegas trip between June and August?

Maybe you’re the kind of person who enjoys a little sunstroke. Or maybe you’ve read that it’s a dry heat in Las Vegas, which makes it more comfortable.

For whatever reason you’re coming, there are some rules you can follow to make your summer vacation in Vegas less of a mistake — especially the ones that reduce the chances of your accidental death.

By the way, you know what else is a dry heat?

Fire.

1. Reapply sunscreen every two hours.

Yes, we know you’re smart enough to wear it in the first place. But all the sweat generated by a few hours in Las Vegas heat can completely wash your sun protection off, especially if you’ve gone for a dip in the pool or you’re not using a thick formula like zinc oxide.

2. Pack as many frozen plastic bottles of water as will fit in a handy bag.

The ice will all melt within an hour or two, but still provide pleasantly cooling, and medically necessary, hydration for hours. (Note: only do this with plastic water bottles. Glass ones will shatter in the freezer.)

3. Never go longer than 15 minutes without sipping water, even when you’re not thirsty.

Dry hot air feels more comfortable than humid hot air specifically because sweat evaporates more quickly in dry heat. And this can dehydrate you faster than humid hot air can, especially if you drink alcohol like we all know you will.

4. Never fall asleep while suntanning poolside.

No sunscreen blocks 100% of the sun’s damaging UV rays. Even a broad-spectrum SPF 30, which should be your choice, only blocks 97%.

Also, most people who are asleep find it difficult to sip water every 15 minutes.

5. Buy a neck air conditioner.

No, you won’t look cool. But you’ll be the more important kind of cool. The most efficient/expensive models — the ones that are more than just fans — can be found on Amazon for $150 and up.

These may seem like a sham, but most actually work to cool the air immediately around your head.

A helpful fact to remember is that the highest temperature possible to achieve inside your body is 108°F. Top that and your brain dies. It friggin dies.

6. Always scan ahead for shade.

Only rookies use the sidewalks lining the west side of the Strip before noon, or the east side sidewalks after noon. At noon, there’s pretty nowhere to hide outdoors other than the trees in front of the Bellagio fountains.

7. Never ever, ever, walk on a hotel pool deck with bare feet.

Breaking this rule, even for a few seconds, will leave you cooking two personal cheese pies of your own feetza. Worst case, it can result in an unplanned side trip to the hospital.

Third-degree burns can be caused by surprisingly short exposures to 160°F (71°C) or higher, or prolonged contact with any temperature above 120°F (49°C).

8. Also avoid outdoor escalator handrails.

They look all soft, stabilizing, and comfortable but they are all, for some moronic reason, black. Since that’s the color that absorbs the most infrared radiation from the sun, it makes all escalator handrails likely to reach or exceed a painful 160°F (71°C) to the touch.

Rules for Driving

9. Always park in the shade or inside a parking structure, never on its outdoor top floor.

Car interiors left in the Las Vegas sun for several hours can approach 200 degrees. Not only can this burn you when you get back in, but it may melt your dashboard and cause mechanical damage by melting rubber hoses and belts.

10. If you can’t find an indoor spot, install separate windshield and steering-wheel shades.

Yes, they make steering-wheel shades, and Las Vegas in the summer is why.

11. Don’t store soda inside your car or its trunk.

Carbonated beverages in cans or plastic bottles will always explode inside a car exposed to the Las Vegas summer sun, leaving you with a mess to clean up and less of it to cool you off.

12. Wear long pants — especially if you have a leather interior, and especially if that interior is black.

There are few levels of agony in your life that rival mistakenly lowering your bare thighs onto a 200-degree leather seat. On the bright side, though, if you’re a male who has been contemplating a vasectomy, you may no longer need one after making this mistake.